ARIES (March 21-April 19): As I sit down to write this week's Aries horoscope, I find myself oddly irritable at having to do so. I mean, won't you Aries types do whatever the hell you want, anyway? Won't you carry on with your lives like nothing else matters but whatever the hell you're doing and perhaps you only sporadically remember to read your horoscope from week to week as it is, and, even when you do, it's often after already committing the blunder I would've warned you against, had you bothered to read it in advance? Okay, Aries, none of this ire is actually directed at you at least no more than it might be directed to any of the other eleven signs at any given moment, when I feel challenged to write something witty and fresh and relevant, though I may have already said last week what I should probably be saying now. Can I just guilt you, then, into not making much of a big deal about anything into laying low, and consciously avoiding the glare of any noteworthy attention aimed toward you and into foregoing all chances to take charge and call the shots, sticking close enough to your sweetie or closest pal that they will do it for you, while you docilely thank them? (And if not by guilt, then by which similar psychological device might I motivate you?) There's an inherent edginess, unusual and not necessarily important to explore, underscoring your week. Having your favorite people nearby will help alleviate it. Doing anything about it, alas, only exacerbates the condition. You don't want to end up oddly irritable like me, do you? Oh, look, my irritability is passing maybe it was the pumpkin pie ?
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): If you had a few spare minutes or hours, I could regale you with stories about employing myself as a professional astrologer oh, the clients I've seen (though, I add as a serious aside, I can't really tell you the good stories due to my commitment to client confidentiality) oh, the uncanniness of it all, engaged in a mystical profession where I can't even explain, in scientifically provable terms, how I do what I do and oh, the perpetual sweating to author all those words, week in and week out, that end up becoming rubbish once their expiration date passes, and can you imagine having this zen-like time-sensitive challenge to produce work and then dispose of it and all the while I'm going on and on about what I do, you can't help but wonder, 'What the fuck does any of that have to do with me?' And the answer is: You are absolutely right in your thinking, Taurus, that you shouldn't allow everyone around you to waste your valuable time over their trifling concerns, unsolvable problems, and beds they made that now they must lie in. While they're busy stressing out, you can get a steaming ton of crap accomplishedif you are willing to shut out their constant attempts to interrupt you, gruffly if need be. Whether I really think being a professional astrologer is endlessly fascinating or brutally difficult or any other exaggerated descriptor I can come up, that is an existential line of questioning for me to concern myself with and for you to dismiss as irrelevant to all that you would like to get through this week. Crank up the tunes on your iPod, or shut your office door. Stop checking your emails more than once or twice a day. Choose productivity over indulging others, and work quietly by yourself.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): This amalgam of astro-factors is almost sure to inject a flirty playfulness into your exchanges but whether this is a gift from God or a devilishly corrupting ethical challenge has everything to do with your current relationship status. If you are officially free to mingle (and looking to do so), Gemini, you're well situated to explore your options (and have a good time doing it) by showcasing a confident open-endedness in how you approach the lads or lasses. Here's the key: Remember you don't need any of them, and may not even be sure you want them, but, for the time being, it's worth entertaining any and every possibility. When engaged in amorous repartee, leave all direct questions up in the airand let the lucky guy or girl work for the answers. If you give 'em but the tiniest taste, they'll undoubtedly want more, just to see what's up. And who doesn't love the thrill of a chase? But if you are dutifully coupled off in monogamy (or if at least one of you thinks so), you are treading through some seriously treacherous waters. That's because, regardless of rings on anybody's fingers, you're still emitting the flirtatious vibeand you're still likely to draw at least one earnest come-on, though you may claim to have done nothing to solicit it. If you're supposed to be 'off the market', then 'open-endedness' will not work for you. Flatly, it's inappropriate and disrespectful to all parties not to flash your lack-of-availability. What's even worse? To actually consummate this other affair, though you know you shouldn't. If you really want it that badly, that says more about your current relationship than it does about whatever passing fancy has apparently aroused you. In personal morality, open-endedness is dangerous
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Work with your intrinsic nurturing tendencies this week, Cancer, as they can be put to very good use. Someone you know is aching for a hug or a kind word, and you're the perfect person to provide such a service. A friend who's been jilted by an undeserving lover will be touched if you send flowers, just as a reminder of how life continues to move on. Though it's soon after Thanksgiving and many people's bellies are still protruding with poultry, at least one hungry soul in your life will definitely appreciate receiving the banana bread you just baked. And the list of hypothetical possibilities goes on, since comfort comes in a myriad of shapes and sizes. The important point to make is that (1) certain folks' nerves are definitely frazzled beyond a tolerable level and (2) your welcome presence can provide them the calming antidote they desperately need. You don't even need to try very hard, since this spirit-soothing sort of behavior is like second nature to you. Just think of how often I spend horoscope space urging you to put yourself first, to stop caring more about everybody else, and to practice being more blatantly self-assertive. To keep it all balanced, the planets like to throw you weeks like this as well in appreciation for the tremendous sweetness you're capable of, and in the hopes you'll help fill in where the multitude of mothers and fathers have failed their children, by rubbing backs and softly whispering, 'Everything is going to be all right.'
LEO (July 23-August 22): In the end, what you'll remember most is whether, overall, you had a good time or if you couldn't even gather the gumption to put in a gallant effort at trying. And it's the same for the rest of us, Leo. We recall the evenings where we laughed until we cried, reveling in the joyful connections we forged with our favorite companions. We look back fondly on the exotic trips, the wild rides, the risks that threatened to choke us with anticipatory fears before we finally broke free, jumped, and triumphantly lived to tell the tale. And we ache for these simple or complex pleasures, whenever the weight of worry or nearsightedness of stress overshadow the wide-angle vista of a life adventurously lived, of bulls grabbed by their horns and hidden treasure chests avidly sought in uncharted territory. As long as you can step into, and sustain, this perspective for the bulk of your week, then you're perfectly primed to spread the word from such earthly enlightenment. We are here to enjoy ourselves and, sure, learn stuff in the process, too. But it isn't supposed to be a dreary expanse of chores still left to finish. If your favorite pals are missing in action or 'too busy' to make plans, it's your responsibility to drag them out for dinner or drinkseven if they protest. I'm swearing you in as the official fun police, and now it's time to enforce the law. Anyone caught hiding out in backroom offices or worksheds, lost in calculating or reconciling or chopping or tinkering, must be sentenced to at least one evening out on the town and you must see to it that they serve.
VIRGO (August 23-September 22): Don't make life harder than it needs to be, Virgo. Save yourself the private turmoil, and refuse to spend your week making painful measurements of all that's falling glaringly short of its highest potential. Everything's in better shape than your hypercritical white-glove inspections probably revealand in any event, a bit of dust adds the frailty of human character to whatever it gently coats. Every last one of us is a flawed mess, embodying the inescapable incompleteness that hangs over capital-e Existence. We might valiantly spend our lives, huffing and puffing in exhaustion as we race between cramped offices and cobwebby back corners, struggling to finish our life's testimony to our greatness (in neatly organized, typographical-error-free, unsmudged stacks of 8½ x 11 super-brilliant-white documentation) before the buzzer blows and our bodies bid us adieu and still we will not get it done, at least not with the pure soaring monumentality we imagined it would bear. At some point in our development (and hopefully, for our own sake, sooner rather than later), we choose 'peace of mind' over 'perfection' (or, more precisely, 'the endlessly disappointing striving for perfection')and accept the ever-present partiality of everything always remaining in progress. That means letting certain things fall through the cracks, rather than trying to keep tight control over every last detail (and leaving one's self with a wholly unreasonable load). Rescue yourself: Embrace the chaos and its dirty fingerprints.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22): Now, I know it's not like you, Libra, to be outwardly unpleasant to anybody. As you model for the rest of us, social cordiality is the very least we owe each other in this world filled with irrational hate, spite and vengeance. But this week, my darling, it pays to be that much more kind, considerate and conversational than usual to go beyond the typical exchange of niceties, into greater interpersonal coziness (though never anything less 'nice') with whomever you find yourself sharing a few spare minutes. This goes doubly so for your interactions with the people you know (because you've associated with each other for years, if not decades; because you see 'em everyday; because you recognize a familiar personality trope), but don't really know in the way that, if you paused to delve into your own curiosity, you might actually want to know 'em. In other words, this is your golden chance to ask the checker at the grocery store about the tattoo on her arm your moment to find out where exactly that guy who always gets off at your bus stop lives your excuse to discuss your upcoming holiday plans with the receptionist at the salon as well as an endless array of possibilities you might pursue that'll push the sociality to a new level. And as far as family is concerned, this is also an ideal time to attempt connecting in a more genuine, though perhaps still casual, way with siblings or cousins or other relatives whose true selves have escaped your acquaintance. (For instance, have you asked 'em what they do for fun? what kind of music or literature they like? what their big lifelong dreams are?) Without creating any undue drama or unsavory friction, you can go a little bit further in your most perfunctory social relationsand gain a bit more perspective on the human condition, and everything that we all hold in common, in the process.
SCORPIO (October 23-November 21): As strong-willed and hot-blooded as you can be, it's not always worth trying so hard and so passionately to attain a particular goal or state-of-being. 'Push toward' (rather than 'back away' or 'taper off') at an inopportune instant, and you're only wasting a lot of brawn and bluster with little hope of manhandling the situation's specifics to your desired ends. Do we hang so tight sometimes because we're afraid that, should we opt instead to release our grip and see what happens, we'll quickly start to float away into the ethers, with only a starry-eyed glassed-over gaze and 'hopes for the best' at our piddling disposal? And what if such a fear did prove true, Scorpio? So what if your head ends up in the clouds? It won't stay up there for ever (for as we know, what comes up must, at some point, come down) and in the meantime, a bit of imaginative daydreaming, absent-minded, freeform meditation and/or multidimensional travel will actually do you some good. Often, our most creative ideas refuse to arrive until we grant our minds the liberal space to wander aimlessly. That is, the universe's brilliance isn't likely to divulge itself while we're still broadcasting our own internal babble on an endless playback loop, drowning out all other sounds. And then, how could we possibly let inspiration guide us, if it can't speak up loudly enough? Get up from your desk. Walk outside. Proceed to the nearest yard, park, tree, shoreline or natural landscape. (Barring that, find a similarly vital glimpse of urban life.) Sit, and watch it go by for a good ten or fifteen minutes. Meander accordingly from there.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21): Moving into December 2007, a month you're likely to remember for a while to come, you are already inflating to larger proportions than perhaps you've ever assumed prior. The brushstrokes with which the current events paint your portrait are ever more dramatic, unsubtle. The important features cannot be missed, unless you are blind (or hopelessly stubborn). You are rapidly approaching the point of no return, where you will ascend to greater competency in embodying just what you know you're supposed to be in this lifeor, alternatively, you will inertly gape as an unparalleled portal of opportunity opens, then, because you didn't make your move, closes forever, leaving you with the bad taste of regret in your mouth for a long while to come. You won't let it come and go, will you, Sagittarius? If progress is grinding to a halt in whatever main-stage area of life you know should probably keep moving, for your own good then please say or do whatever's necessary to get it going again. Life's too shortand this point in your personal history too ripe with potencyto beat around the bush. Each moment you don't say it or do it brings you one step closer to that irreversible reality in which the good stuff has passed you by. Don't let anybody wonder where you stand. Come out with it already no matter the fallout of ruffled feathers or shattered alliances, broken hearts or totally uprooted lives. Which is worse: the big dramatic chaos of standing up for your own life, or the long tragic demise of spirit that accompanies selling yourself out, simply to prevent rocking a soon-to-be-standing-still(if-not-already-slowly-sinking) ship?
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19): Wait, and watch. Plot, and scheme, without making plans. Say hello, then answer their questions with more questions. As happy as you could ever see yourself, knowing that we're approaching a massively significant year ahead for the Capricorn species, plant that wide and toothy a grin on your face (only once you really swallow the optimists' pill) and smile at your rapidly approaching advantages. Do you know what this means? Do you know what I'm talking right now? What, exactly, is going on? And should you be better preparing yourself wearing a certain type of garb, practicing certain skills, telling certain folks how they can best support you? No, no, who the hell knows, and no. So, simply enjoy that there's a lucky twist of fortuitous serendipity unfolding in your lifeeven if you are unable to identify it as such, for this or that reasonand quit worrying about understanding it. There is nothing to properly 'think about'. All organic movement must be encouraged. Only when you start to ask way too many questions will the easy opportunities, which are presently bent-down and open-palmed in wait for your claiming, dry up. Welcome the good fortune, without inquiring of the great deities if perhaps they chose you by mistake, or if perhaps they'd rather gaze graciously down upon somebody who deserves it more. Dang, Capricorn, do you ever stop playing the stoic? Can't you play by the rules of childlike wonder, under which whatever you can possibly dream up has every likely chance of becoming reality if you can sustain that belief?
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18): You can't exactly keep your cool, but why should you? Aware of it or not, the excitement's just pouring off youabout everything you're in the middle of, that which you're close to achieving, all the zillions of plans and projects you've slated for year ahead, and life in general, which never ceases to be anything less than miraculous. My effervescent Aquarius, your enthusiasm is totally contagious and the sooner you realize that (regardless of recent moods or peaks in self-doubt), the more quickly you can expose everybody else to it and activate an epidemic in positive possibility. Even if the energetic ado you're spinning through feels more like 'overload' than 'anticipation', share what's got you hopped with all the friends and colleagues you encounter. Trust me, they will hang on your every wordnot just to be polite, but because it will get them thinking about what else they could do in their lives, thanks to the inspiring example you have presented them. As you exist in a big (and getting-bigger-all-the-time) spherical milieu of global-village expansiveness, so too will they see how far and wide their potential could carry them. And as you hype everybody up to new heights of forward-thinking idealism, if you also happen to need some help with a piece of your grand slam, don't hesitate to ask. They will be only too happy to participate. Just by virtue of the fact that you're doing it, they will want to do it, too. You don't have to convince them with the rhetoric. Your personality is driving this baby and who wouldn't want another extra plateful of that?
PISCES (February 19-March 20): Do you remember this horoscope from three weeks back? Again this week, Pisces, your fate is intricately enmeshed with a certain other person in your lifeat work, at home, in the social scene. And therefore, it's extremely important to be aware of who you're choosing as implicit ally or declared adversary, since it'll impact much more than just the relationship dynamic between the two of you. It profoundly influences how everybody else perceives you, too what kind of employee or roommate, friend or lover they see you as capable of being how shrewdly (or unwisely) you form (or avoid) collaborations, based on the results they're witnessing and whether your loyalty or vengefulness toward this certain other person is far stronger than any other factor you might bring to the table. In other words, this interpersonal connection is that important in determining how your upcoming few weeks will unfold. Don't take your allegiances lightly. If you're 'in bed' with the right people (so to speak), then tuck the covers in more tightly and hunker down. But if it's wrongand I believe you know if it's wrong, whether you want to take note of such knowledge or whether it's easier to feign ignorancehop out of there as quickly as you can, and start actively defining yourself, in all parts of your life, in terms that better represent who you are. Otherwise, you may become attached to a reputation (accurate or not) you'd really rather not carry.